The heading to this entry felt fitting. I haven’t been here in years, yet I’ve been writing and journaling as much as possible. A lot of my stuff has been on iPad notes, or tid-bits here and there, but nothing substantial. I’ve toyed around with writing a series, or book about my experience the last two years, and most of that is in “Notes”. But, I feel like all I’m doing is writing to myself. Even though everything I’ve written has been something that I want someone else to read one day, its really only for me. Thats the power of journaling, the power of release.
I wasn’t sure what to write today, but I know one thing is certain; I wanted to write. There have been many things that have happened in my life the last eight months, but now I’ve felt fit to get it all out there. Recently, I finished a book called Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins. There are hundred of thousands of people out there that review books, that talk about their impact on their lives, and how they have changed for the better because of this book. To me, this book does the same. I’m another one of those people but I don’t want to put it on social media because I’m afraid if David Goggins found out I wrote a review on him then he would kill me. But, like many people in this world most of what we read and what we intend on using with that literature goes to waste, which is probably why it took him 16 attempts. I feel like a lot of times I just read something whether its an online article or a blog or a snip-it about something going on – we just read the first couple lines and then we’re done until we’re asked to join a membership or subscribe to the journal we’re reading. It has no weight to what we’re actually trying to accomplish. This book has some weight. This guy did some pretty gnarly stuff and lived to talk about it. Read it.
Goggins talks about his early life at the beginning of the book. Everything he has to say is tough. I’ve never lived that kind of life, and frankly, there are people out there that live a harder life that he did. He doesn’t deny that. But, what it does give me is a sense of reality, a view that is close to ours in some way. He suffered, and then he learned from it. He became hard, and that sculpted him into what he is today. I remember when I was young, fat and stupid. I was the brother of a successful quarterback, the one that everyone wanted to date. But, if you were a boy, you’d want to be him and be with the girl he was with. Everyone envied him, including me. I strived to live up to his expectations, my brother. But, I was this little fat kid with “breasts” that people didn’t talk of. Yeah, I knew I was the fat kid, but no one ever crossed me because I was protected by my brother. No one wanted to offend him. So, I was included often. That mentality, though, transpired into something else. That mentality taught me that people’s perception of you is only what they want it to be. They don’t give a shit about who you are as a person. Granted, I was only 12 years old at the time, but that experience lives on through you for your entire life.
A lot of times through my young childhood I found myself wanting to be accepted. All I needed was my brother’s friends to want to like me. One day, I was sitting in the top bunk of the room he and I shared. I was playing The Matrix on PS2 and he asked me if I wanted to come and play Legion baseball with him in St. Joe. I had no idea what to expect, but thriving on his acceptance and all the his friends acceptance, at 14 years old I jumped out of that bed and asked for a uniform. I didn’t play that day, but I did a few games going forward. I was successful, too. I could throw hard, and I found a niche. More importantly, to my mind, I found someone who liked me for something. I had something they wanted, so I was beneficial. Initially, I was just a body, but I became an asset as I began to be successful for the team even at a young age.
This stands true in our lives now. For the most part, everyone in our lives only wants something from us because it benefits them. I’m not knocking my brother here, because I really was just a body that was needed to fill in – but that motivation to be accepted got my ass into gear. Was it the right thing to do? I dunno, but I did it and I was good. Maybe thats where leadership comes into play. If leadership is finding those around you that make you better, then I may have a tilted/slanted view of what exactly leadership is. But, its not wrong. He, a person of respect in my life, asked me to do something that I thought would allow me to gain status; so, I did it. Just so happens, I was good at it. Call me immature for succumbing to the demands of my hero, but I think anyone at that age would have. What is most beneficial is what I learned going forward.
Two things:
(1) Motivation/desire
(2) How it affects you
(1) Motivation/desire:
I was a fat kid. I ate everything, I didn’t do it because I was depressed or something deep like that, no. I ate because it gave me status. I was the kid “that ate everything” so people cooked for me! I mean, COOKED. I had family members preparing meals especially for me because I was coming over. But, looking back I realize that the mentality was “soft” it was something everyone could get behind. Everyone loves the fat kid. I’m harmless, right? I giggle, and jiggle, and eat. But there in lies my motivation, my desire. My desire to be something different. I’m not that soft child. My mind is made of hard stones and staples on a bed of nails. Mentally, there are times when I know I am smarter than a given situation yet I revert back to those days of being soft and comfortable. It’s taken a couple years, but I’m ready to say that I’ve learned how to break that “softness” and start to grip and flex the things that I’m able to control.
Sometimes that softness creeps. I’ll come to a situation that needs a difficult decision and what happens? My mind reverts back to my first stages of training – “what is the easiest way out of this?” That could mean walking on a long run, or taking off a weighted vest in a middle of a workout. I find a personal way to make a difficult situation less difficult. The question I’m willing to ask myself at this point is, “How can I break that fat kid?” Maybe I’ve become who I hate. A bully. I was never really bullied growing up, but I was told about my shortcomings. Nonetheless, I found motivation in other peoples opinions and my own perception of myself. Thats where the motivation and desire comes from. I want to be accepted, I want to be liked. But, by who? As we grow old, we lose more and more people in our lives. Who am I trying to impress? No one gives a shit anymore. Everyone cares about themselves. What you look like in the mirror looks NOTHING like the person being seen on Facebook or Instagram 12 minutes later (prep time for photoshopping). They’ll look at it, and go “Would I fuck that, yes or no?” And then they decide if they’ll like it or not. And, full disclaimer, if its a dog then its an automatic “Like”.
My motivation is not single to this childhood insecurity. But, there are things that come from those developmental stages that teach us and sculpt us into the people we are today. I’m not here because of being fat. I’m not here because my brother and his friends secluded me. I’m here because there is someone that is affected by this stuff….someone that doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m here for them. I’m here to learn, to train, to be everything I needed even when I didn’t know that I needed them.
(2) How it affects you
Pretty much already said it. I dont want to be looked as a charity case or a cry baby because I went through the same pre-puberty and puberty shit that everyone else went through. I’m harder than that. What I do want you to learn is several layers. Being humble is huge. If you had some shit that you’re still carrying, get rid of it. Thats someone else’s layer – get rid of it, get out. You aren’t entitled to that bullshit, so bounce. Unless you have something in there to salvage that shit, get rid of it. Why hang on to that stuff if all it does is bring you down? You have the opportunity to free yourself of everything other than the things you love, why not do it? Live the life you think is the best and you’ll be happy. But, if those things are beneficial to your happiness and motivation; then hang on to the morsels. But, just the tips. Save the rest for your own satisfaction.
The other layer is honesty. Be real with yourself. Okay, I’ll be frank and if you’re weak and/or fleet of foot then stop reading and I’ll see you next week. Not feeling your best at work/putting out the best numbers? Well, you’re probably slacking and that’s your fault. Wife not having sex with you and citing “too tired,” as a common defense – YOUR FAULT. Figure it out. I can’t tell you what your wife wants – you married her. You should know, or at least pull some shit out of your trick bag to get your ass laid. Nonetheless, quit blaming this on her – she’s hot to everyone else, you’ve just been with her long enough to do dumb shit. Don’t do dumb shit. Be honest with yourself and the things that you haven’t been keeping up with for four, eight, twelve, twenty plus years.
I have a last layer that I want to talk about but I think I’ve done a lot of discussion for tonight. I’m glad to be back in the typing world, and I hope that something I said will one day tink around in someone’s head to the point that it cant be ignored.
Anyway,
Jake.